♪ Rumpole: "AND WHEN SHE WEEPS "WEEPS EVERY LITTLE FLOWER "LAMENTING SOME ENFORCED CHASTITY" BUT WAS THE CHASTITY ENFORCED?

[struggling] IT'S ALL SO BLOODY HARD TO KNOW.

[squeaking] EENY MEENY MINEY...MO!

[sighs] YOU'RE GIVING ME A RAPE?

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

DON'T YOU WANT IT?

WANT IT?

THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION YOU ASK OF A RAPE, ALBERT.

[laughs] RAPE COMES UNINVITED.

[laughs gruesomely] OH, NOT THESE BEASTLY LITTLE BROWN ENVELOPES FROM INLAND REVENUE.

HOW ABOUT A CUP OF INSTANT, DIANE, MY LOVELY.

I'M PARCHED.

OH, MAKE IT YOURSELF, WILL YOU, HENRY.

I'VE GOT 24 PARAGRAPHS ON INTOLERABLE CONDUCT TO TYPE OUT HERE.

THERE YOU ARE, YOU SEE.

THE COMPUTER'S GONE BLOODY MAD.

I'VE HAD FOUR OF THESE THINGS.

MORNING, RUMPOLE.

AH, ERSKINE-BROWN.

HOW ARE YOU?

THANK YOU, RUMPOLE.

MODERATELY WELL, MODERATELY WELL.

EXCUSE ME, ALBERT.

YOU'VE MANAGED TO GET MR. HOSKINS IN TWO COURTS AT 10:30 TOMORROW, ALBERT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZED.

BETTER POP DOWN LATER AND SEE THE CLERK OF THE LISTS.

GET HIM TO MAKE THE FRAUD NOT BEFORE 10:45.

WOULDN'T WANT TO SPLIT OUR MR. HOSKINS IN TWO, WOULD HE?

OH, GOD FORBID.

I BET YOU'VE NEVER DONE A RAPE.

AS YOU KNOW, RUMPOLE, I PREFER THE CIVIL SIDE.

I FIND CRIME MODERATELY DISTASTEFUL.

ALBERT, THERE ARE AT LEAST SIX TYPING ERRORS IN THIS DRAFT STATEMENT OF CLAIM BY THE HERCULES BUILDING SOCIETY.

CLAIM BY A BUILDING SOCIETY?

SOUNDS MODERATELY DISTASTEFUL TO ME.

I JUST HATE SENDING OUT MESSY WORK.

DON'T YOU, RUMPOLE?

WELL, THE WORK I SEND OUT IS USUALLY LIBERALLY ENCRUSTED WITH THE ASH OF A SMALL CIGAR AND STAINED WITH POMEROY'S PLONK.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, ALBERT?

IT HAS BEEN KNOWN, MR. RUMPOLE.

COULD DIANE PLEASE-- DIANE HAS A DIVORCE PETITION FROM MR. FROBISHER AND THREE OPINIONS.

IF IT COULD BE GIVEN SOME KIND OF PRIORITY.

MR. ERSKINE-BROWN, I'M TRYING TO DO THE PETTY CASH.

WELL, I CAN IMAGINE THAT CAUSES YOU SOME DIFFICULTY.

HOWEVER, WHEN YOU FINISH PUTTING THE FIGURES THROUGH THE ABACUS OR WHATEVER MIRACLE OF MODERN SCIENCE WE USE IN THESE CHAMBERS...

BUT IT'S A PAYING RAPE!

IT'S NOT ON LEGAL AID.

OH, I GOT A CHECK IN FOR YOU THIS MORNING, SIR.

IT'S A LONG TIME SINCE I BOUGHT YOU A GLASS OF CLARET AT POMEROY'S.

WE MUST CELEBRATE!

THAT'S YOUR MONTHLY STATEMENT OF V.A.T.

AND THE BREAKDOWN OF YOUR SHARE OF THE CHAMBERS.

SO, WHEN THEY MADE OLD BUMBLE WHITELOCK CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SEAWARD ISLES, OH, I DON'T KNOW, SOME GODFORSAKEN HOLE.

[both laugh] HE HAD HIS FIRST CASE BEFORE HIM-- FELLOW FOUND GUILTY OF LIVING ON IMMORAL EARNINGS.

WELL, BEING A NEW BOY, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SORT OF SENTENCE TO HAND OUT, SEE.

SO, HE SENT DOWN TO THE DOCKS WHERE THE OLD RETIRING MAGISTRATE WAS JUST GETTING ON THE P AND O BOAT ON HIS WAY HOME.

OH, THANK YOU, LOVE.

THE MESSAGE HE SENT WAS: "WHAT DO YOU USUALLY GIVE A PONCE?"

OH, LOOK, I'LL DO IT.

NO, SIR.

QUITE HONESTLY.

YOU SURE?

IT'S MY TURN NEXT.

"WHAT DO YOU USUALLY GIVE A PONCE?"

MESSAGE CAME BACK BY FAST RICKSHAW: "WHAT DO I USUALLY GIVE A PONCE?

"NEVER MORE THAN HALF A CROWN."

[both laugh] YOU LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

I'VE ALWAYS LIKED IT, SIR.

OH, DEAR ALBERT.

WE'RE GETTING USED TO EACH OTHER'S JOKES IT'S LIKE A BLOODY MARRIAGE.

WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE A DIVORCE, SIR.

LET YOUNG HENRY DO YOUR CLERKING FOR YOU.

HENRY?

OH, WE'D SIT IN HERE OVER A CINZANO BIANCO.

HE'D SHOW ME ALL HIS COLORED SNAPS OF HIS HOLIDAY IN MAJORCA.

NO THANKS, ALBERT.

WE'LL RUB ALONG FOR A WHILE YET.

WHO GOT ME THIS BRIEF, FOR INSTANCE?

WELL, SOLICITORS, SIR.

THEY LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JOB.

OH, COME ON, ALBERT.

PRIVATE RAPE CASES DON'T DROP OUT OF THE SKY LIKE APPLES IN A HIGH WIND.

HOWEVER MY JIB IS CUT.

WELL, I DO HAVE THE ODD DRINK IN HERE WITH MR. MYERS OF INSTRUCTING SOLICITORS.

THEIR MANAGING CLERK.

YOU REMEMBER OLD MYERSY?

MYERS?

HE GROWS PRIZE TOMATOES.

OH.

LIKES TO BE ASKED ABOUT THEM, SIR, IF I MAY SUGGEST IT.

DOES HE?

RIGHT.

YES.

OH, MYERS, I REMEMBER NOW.

CHUNKY FELLA, BIG GRAY MOUSTACHE.

SPECTACLES, AND HE SMOKES A MIXTURE OF OLD SOCKS.

THAT'S THE ONE, MR. RUMPOLE.

WELL, HE THINKS THE PROSECUTION CASE MAY BE A BIT DODGY.

SAYS OUR ONLY CHANCE IS TO CRUCIFY THE GIRL.

SEEMS A BIT EXTREME.

AH, I REMEMBER YOU, MR. RUMPOLE, WHEN YOU CROSS-EXAMINED THE COMPLAINANT IN THAT INDECENT ASSAULT ON THE OLD KILBURN ALHAMBRA.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

OH, LORD.

YOU BROUGHT OUT AS THOUGH HE'D TOUCHED HER UP DURING THE MOVIETONE NEWS.

YES, SHE ADMITTED THAT SHE HAD SAT THROUGH THE WHOLE OF ROSEMARIE AND A HALF HOUR OF A WILDLIFE DOCUMENTARY BEFORE SHE EVEN COMPLAINED TO THE MANAGER.

I RECOLLECT SHE FAINTED DURING YOUR QUESTIONING.

YEAH, GOT HER ON THE WING ABOUT THE TENTH QUESTION, IF I RECOLLECT-- POW!

SHE PLUMMETED LIKE A PARTRIDGE STRAIGHT OUT OF THE WITNESS BOX.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD OLD MYERSY.

"WOULD RUMPOLE BE AFRAID OF ATTACKING HER?"

HE SAID.

I TOLD HIM THERE'S NOT A WOMAN IN THE WORLD MY MR. RUMPOLE'S AFRAID OF.

HILDA!

RUMPOLE?

"BEING YOUR SLAVE WHAT SHOULD I DO BUT TEND "UPON THE HOURS AND TIMES OF YOUR DESIRE" IS THAT YOU, RUMPOLE?

"I HAVE NO PRECIOUS TIME AT ALL TO SPEND "NOR SERVICES TO DO TILL YOU REQUIRE" YOU'RE LATE, RUMPOLE.

"NOR DARE I CHIDE THE WORLD WITHOUT END HOUR "WHILST I, MY SOVEREIGN, WATCH THE CLOCK FOR YOU" I WAS WATCHING THE CLOCK.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE CLOCK SINCE HALF PAST SIX.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

SOMETHING BLEW UP, A NEW BRIEF.

OH, I BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF PLONK.

THAT WON'T BE ENOUGH.

GOOD GOD, ARE WE MOVING?!

THAT WON'T BE ENOUGH WINE FOR TOMORROW EVENING.

WHAT?

YOUR SON'S COMING TO DINNER.

OH!

NICK COMING TO DINNER, IS HE?

I SEE, SO THAT'S IT.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL POP INTO POMEROY'S ON THE WAY HOME, GET A NICE BOTTLE OF CLARET.

WELL, DON'T YOU BE LATE TOMORROW.

HE'S BRINGING ERICA.

OH, IS HE?

WELL, I'LL POP INTO HEALTHWAYS AND GET A MAGNUM OF CARROT JUICE.

YOU'VE REALLY GOT NOTHING AGAINST ERICA.

SHE'S TEETOTAL.

IT'S JUST THAT SHE'S AMERICAN.

AND AMERICAN.

WHAT MORE DO I NEED?

DICE SALT PORK.

SAUTÉ IT IN A THICK BOTTOM PAN UNTIL BROWN.

SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.

JEALOUS OF NICK?

ONION INTO QUARTERS OR EIGHTHS.

YOU WANT YOUR SON TO BE HAPPY, DON'T YOU?

INTO QUARTERS... OF COURSE I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.

THAT'S JUST THE POINT.

SAUTÉ THE ONIONS WITH THE PORK UNTIL THEY'RE GOLDEN.

AN M.P.

AN HONORABLE MEMBER.

WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN.

[whispering] [car honks] WHY SHOULD HE SUDDENLY TAKE IT INTO HIS HEAD TO RAPE ANYONE?

RAPE?

WHAT?

A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT?

SLICE CABBAGE INTO FAIRLY LARGE PIECES.

WHICH SIDE'S HE ON?

LABOUR.

OH WELL, THERE YOU ARE THEN.

[cars honking outside] Rumpole: WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST?

WELL, THERE MUST BE SOME SOLUTION.

SOME REASONABLE COMPROMISE.

WHAT SORT OF A COMPROMISE?

[sighs] WELL, YOU'RE THE LAWYER.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE A WORD WITH BRIDGET OR SOMETHING?

WE CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'D WANT TO DO THIS TO KEN.

WELL, THAT WOULD RATHER DEPEND, WOULDN'T IT?

WHAT ON?

ON WHAT KEN HAD DONE TO HER.

I'M SORRY.

YOU MIND IF I CALL YOU MR. ASPEN?

I FIND THIS FIRST NAME BUSINESS A BIT EMBARRASSING.

RATHER LIKE A CLOTH CAP ON THE LABOUR MEMBER IN THE HOUSE.

MR. ASPEN, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A COMPROMISE IN A RAPE CASE.

EITHER YOU DID IT OR YOU DIDN'T.

THEY WOULD EITHER LOCK YOU UP OR LET YOU GO.

I CAN HARDLY PERSUADE THE JUDGE TO ENTER INTO A COALITION TO DEFEAT THE ALLEGED RAPEE... BRIDGET EVANS ON A VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO?

DO WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO, MR. ASPEN.

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

OH, MRS. ASPEN, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DO SOME SHOPPING.

WHY?

OH, I THOUGHT MAYBE A NEW HAT.

YES, SOME JUDGES STILL LIKE HATS.

[laughs] YOUR HUSBAND-- YES, MR. RUMPOLE.

HE IS MY HUSBAND, AND I INTEND TO STAY WITH HIM.

I SEE, ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT, NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?

[clears throat] WELL, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER-- YES?

WE WERE BOTH WORKING LATE.

I HAD MADE SOME CHANGES IN THE NEXT DAY'S PRESS HANDOUT.

AND SHE WAS DUPLICATING THEM STRAIGHT ONTO THE MACHINE.

YES, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, SHE-- SHE CALLED FROM THE NEXT OFFICE.

YES?

WELL, SHE... SHE WANTED ME TO COME IN BECAUSE THE DUPLICATOR DIDN'T WORK.

WHEN I GOT INTO THE OFFICE, I WENT STRAIGHT OVER TO THE MACHINE BECAUSE SHE SAID IT WAS STUCK.

YES, GO ON.

WELL, SHE WAS BEHIND-- [knock on door] YES, COME IN!

RUMPOLE, I-- OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THE 1942 APPEAL CASES.

OH, THEY'RE OVER THERE SOMEWHERE, OLD DARLING.

PROBABLY MORE THAN A LITTLE DUSTY.

[laughs] YES, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

YES, GO ON, MR. ASPEN.

WELL... SHE WAS BEHIND ME.

I COULDN'T SEE EXACTLY.

I THINK SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.

YOU THINK?

SHE LOCKED IT.

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS MODEST YOUNG LADY WAS DETERMINED TO RAVISH YOU?

THANKS VERY MUCH.

YES, ANYTIME.

[door closes] YES, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, SHE WANTED TO TALK.

SO SHE LOCKED THE DOOR?

WAS THERE ANYONE ELSE IN THE OTHER ROOM?

NO, I TOLD YOU.

IT WAS LATE.

EVERYONE HAD GONE HOME.

JANICE CROWSHOTT HAD GONE AND PAUL-- PAUL?

WHO'S PAUL?

PAUL ETHERINGTON, KEN'S AGENT.

WELL, HOW LONG DID THIS TALK TAKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

FIVE MINUTES, I SUPPOSE.

TEN, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW, MR. ASPEN.

WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?

POLITICS.

YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE LOCKED THE DOOR OF THE DUPLICATING ROOM SO SHE COULD HAVE A COZY CHAT ABOUT HOME RULE FOR WALES.

OF COURSE NOT.

OR THAT IT WAS DURING A FEW HARSH WORDS ABOUT THE EXPORT FIGURES THAT HER CLOTHES GOT TORN.

SHE STARTED TO ACCUSE ME.

SHE SAID I'D BETRAYED HER, BETRAYED ALL THE WORKERS, BETRAYED SOCIALISM.

SHE ACCUSED ME OF BEING UNFAITHFUL.

WHAT?

TO HER?

TO MY PRINCIPLES.

OH, THOSE.

WELL, YOU'RE USED TO HEARING THAT.

YES.

MUST BE PART OF THE WEAR AND TEAR OF LIFE IN THE DEAR OLD LABOUR PARTY.

THEN SHE STARTED TO TALK ABOUT ANNA.

SHE WANTED KEN TO LEAVE ME.

IS THAT RIGHT?

IT WAS THE WHOLE SET-UP.

THE HOUSE IN HAMPSTEAD GARDEN SUBURB.

THE KIDS' SCHOOL-- WELL, SARAH'S AT THE CONVENT, AND EDWARD'S DOWN FOR WESTMINSTER.

AND THE LOYAL VOTERS ARE DOWN FOR THE COMPREHENSIVE.

THEN SHE STARTED...

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING ABUSE, OBSCENITIES.

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

[scoffs] RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

THEN SHE STARTED CLAWING AT ME.

TELLING ME I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURAGE TO...

COURAGE TO WHAT?

WELL... TO MAKE LOVE TO HER, THAT'S WHAT KEN BELIEVED.

THANK YOU.

IS THAT TRUE?

WELL, OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

KEN MADE LOVE TO HER AS SHE WANTED ON THE FLOOR.

YOU BELIEVED THAT WAS WHAT SHE WANTED?

YES.

THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVED.

I WAS BEGINNING TO GET A WHIFF OF A DEFENSE.

WELL, OF COURSE WE'VE GOT A DEFENSE.

SHE WAS GOADING ME, SHOUTING AND SCREAMING.

AND THEN WHEN I SAW WHAT SHE'D DONE TO MY FACE ON THE POSTER-- YOU SAW THAT THEN?

YES.

THEN?

YES, I THINK SO.

I WANT YOU TO BE VERY SURE ABOUT THIS, MR. ASPEN.

YOU SAW THAT DEFACED POSTER BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENED?

WELL, YES, I'M ALMOST SURE.

NOT ALMOST, MR. ASPEN.

QUITE SURE.

QUITE, QUITE SURE.

WELL, YES.

SHE DIDN'T DO IT WHILE YOU WERE THERE?

NO.

THEN SHE MUST HAVE DONE IT BEFORE SHE CALLED YOU INTO THE ROOM.

WELL, IS IT IMPORTANT?

[laughs] NO, TRIVIALITY.

OF COURSE, IT'S IMPORTANT, MR. ASPEN.

IT MEANS THAT SHE HATED YOUR GUTS BEFOREHAND.

AND IF WE CAN SHOW THAT IN COURT, HER ACCUSATION OF RAPE BECOMES SUSPECT TO SAY THE LEAST.

I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.

OF COURSE, YOU'RE RIGHT.

MR. ASPEN, IF YOU'RE GIVING THE SAME DEGREE OF THOUGHT TO THE ECONOMY AS YOU ARE TO YOUR OWN DEFENSE NO WONDER THE POUND'S DICKIE.

ALL RIGHT, MR. RUMPOLE, THE CASE IS YOURS.

I'LL GO BACK TO WORRYING ABOUT THE POUND.

YES, WELL, WE HAVEN'T GOT A CASE YET.

SEE, I DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT THIS BRIDGET EVANS.

MR. MYERS, PERHAPS YOU CAN DO SOME DIGGING.

YOU'RE USED TO THAT, AREN'T YOU?

[Rumpole laughs] SO, THE MESSAGE CAME BACK BY FAST RICKSHAW... [laughter] "WHAT DO I USUALLY GIVE A PONCE?"

[muted laughter] "WHAT DO I USUALLY GIVE A PONCE?"

RUMPOLE, THIS IS HARDLY-- NEVER MORE THAN HALF A CROWN.

[laughs] WELL, AT LEAST THAT'S OVER.

SO, YOU'RE ALL FIXED UP AT WARWICK UNIVERSITY NOW, NICK.

WELL, THEY'VE OFFERED ME A JOB.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT?

WELL-- WELL-- I THINK SO.

THERE IS A NEW DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL STUDIES AT BALTIMORE.

THEY'D REALLY WELCOME YOU BACK THERE, NICK.

Rumpole: OH?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

COME ON, NICK.

PROFESSOR DAINTREE TOLD YOU THERE'S A JOB FOR YOU THERE ANYTIME.

HE JUST THINKS ALL THE WORLD OF NICK.

THIS REALLY IS A DELICIOUS MEAL.

OH, THANK YOU.

UH...

SO, IT'S NOT DECIDED?

WELL, OF COURSE, FROM OUR POINT OF VIEW WARWICK DOES HAVE CERTAIN ADVANTAGES OVER BALTIMORE.

I DOUBT THE ACADEMIC STANDARD WOULD BE ANY HIGHER.

NO, NO, PERHAPS NOT.

BUT IT'S CLOSER TO GLOUCESTER ROAD.

[laughs] OH, SOME MORE WATER?

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH HAS CONCLUSIVELY PROVED THAT DRINKING WATER MAKES YOUR HAIR FALL OUT.

IT GIVES YOU INGROWING TOENAILS AND FALLEN ARCHES.

THEY'RE GONNA PASS A LAW AGAINST IT.

WATER, HILDA?

NO, THANK YOU.

SHUT UP, DAD.

[laughs] YOU'LL HAVE TO GET USED TO RUMPOLE WHEN YOU JOIN THE FAMILY.

HE DOESN'T REALLY HAVE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

NICKY TALKED A LOT ABOUT YOU IN BALTIMORE.

OH, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN REMARKABLY TEDIOUS.

DID YOU REALLY?

I TOLD HER YOUR JOKES.

THEY MUST HAVE SOUNDED ABSOLUTE GIBBERISH IN BALTIMORE.

HE TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR WORK, AND I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC THE WAY YOU STAND UP IN COURT FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.

I WILL STAND UP IN COURT FOR ABSOLUTELY ANY UNDERPRIVILEGED PERSON IN THE WORLD...

PROVIDED THEY'RE ON LEGAL AID.

[laughter] WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION?

IN TAKING THESE KINDS OF CASES?

MY MOTIVATION?

MONEY.

[laughs] DON'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, SURE, YOU'RE JUST RATIONALIZING.

IT'S MONEY!

HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE CAN'T RESIST THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.

I TELL YOU, WITHOUT THE LEGAL AID CHECK I WOULD BE AS SILENT AS THE TOMB.

THE VOICE OF THE RUMPOLE WOULD NOT BE HEARD IN THE STRAND.

AS IT IS, THE POOR AND UNDERPRIVILEGED MAY RELY ON ME.

I'M SURE THEY CAN.

THIS IS DELICIOUS.

OH, THANK YOU.

THE LEGAL AID PROVIDES US WITH QUITE A PASSABLE CLARET FROM POMEROY'S WINE BAR.

OF COURSE, I DO GET PRIVATELY PAID BRIEFS SOMETIMES.

NICE FAT SLANDER, LOTS OF MONEY IN THAT SORT OF THING.

ERICA WANTS TO COME AND HEAR YOU IN COURT.

WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK I COULD MISS IT, COULD I?

I'M HARDLY A TOURIST ATTRACTION.

NO, BUT IF I'M GOING TO LIVE IN ENGLAND I WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN ABOUT YOUR MORES.

AH, THE TRIBAL CUSTOMS, EH?

[yodels] [laughs] AND NICK'S FAMILY.

LOOK!

WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN ON MONDAY THEN.

NICK WILL BRING YOU DOWN TO LUNCH.

HE OFTEN USED TO COME POP INTO THE BAILEY WHEN HE CAME DOWN FROM SCHOOL.

YOU ENJOYED THE OCCASIONAL MURDER.

WE'LL HAVE SOME STEAK AND KIDNEY PUD JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS, HEY?

WELL, THAT'S SETTLED, YES.

COME ON MONDAY.

WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.

FUN?

WHAT SORT OF FUN?

RAPE.

[Rumpole sighs] [stamping] BRIDGET.

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY USELESS.

TROUBLEMAKER.

WOULD YOU CARE TO ENLARGE ON THAT FOR US PLEASE, MISS CROWSHOTT?

SHE'S A BLOODY TROT.

A TROT?

A TROTSKYITE.

A FOLLOWER OF TROTSKY.

OH.

SORT OF A LEFT-WING ACTIVIST.

[stamping] THE KIND THAT INFILTRATES.

OH, SHE WAS VERY NICE TO KEN AT FIRST.

VERY CHARMING.

[clacking] BUT THEN SHE WAS ALWAYS PASSING JUDGMENT.

EVEN PAUL WAS TAKEN IN BY HER ONCE.

PAUL?

OH, THAT'S PAUL ETHERINGTON, THE AGENT?

MM, THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY...THEY SORT OF HAD AN AFFAIR SOME TIME AGO.

[typewriter winding] BUT EVEN PAUL COULDN'T STAND ALL THAT BLOODY LYING.

[typing] AND THE DAYS OFF FOR DEEP ANALYSIS.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL ME A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THAT, MISS CROWSHOTT, BECAUSE I'M EVEN MORE INTERESTED IN THAT, IF I MAY SAY SO, THAN... THAN IN HER POLITICAL BELIEFS.

OH, MR. MYERS, MY OLD TOMATO.

OH, MY DEAR LITTLE TOMATO, MYERS, YOU HAVE DUG DEEP.

[knocking] YOU HAVE UNCOVERED GOLD!

OH, COME IN!

AH, RUMPOLE.

I WANTED TO SPEAK TO YOU AS A SENIOR MEMBER OF CHAMBERS.

OH, OFRABJOUS DAY, ERSKINE-BROWN.

KOOLOO, KALAY.

IT'S A MATTER AFFECTING THE MORAL WELFARE OF THE CHAMBERS.

OH, MISS EVANS, YOU UNRELIABLE WITNESS.

OH DEAR, DEAR.

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WE MAY SPRING THE HONORABLE MEMBER?

ONE DOESN'T WANT TO BOTHER THE HEAD OF CHAMBERS, RUMPOLE.

HEY?

OH, INDEED, WHY NOT.

WHY NOT BOTHER HIM?

HE'S GOT VERY LITTLE ON HIS MIND EXCEPT SETTLING A NICE FAT PLANNING CASE.

AND DELIBERATELY LOSING IN GOLF TO THE LORD CHANCELLOR.

GUTHRIE FEATHERSTONE, Q.C., MP, OLD DARLING, IS RIPE FOR BOTHERING.

IT'S OUR HEAD CLERK.

ALBERT?

DO YOU WANT TO GO AND BOTHER HIM?

ALBERT IS A THIEF.

OUR HEAD CLERK IS A CRIMINAL, RUMPOLE.

I SAY.

AS AN ORNAMENT OF OUR CIVIL SIDE, DON'T YOU FIND THE USE OF THAT WORD MODERATELY DISTASTEFUL?

I'M AFRAID TO SAY IT'S THE TRUTH.

I DOUBT IT.

I HAVE PROOF.

OH HO!

EXHIBIT ONE.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

WELL NOW, THAT SEEMS A FAIRLY CONVENTIONAL PORTRAIT OF HER MAJESTY.

THERE'S A RED CROSS IN THE CORNER.

[gasps] HORROR!

SO THERE IS!

I PUT IT THERE.

I MARKED THE MONEY IN PETTY CASH.

TIME HANGING HEAVY ON YOUR HAND, IS IT?

BIT OF A SLUMP IN CONTRACTS?

NO, I'VE SUSPECTED ALBERT FOR A LONG TIME.

REALLY?

YES, REALLY.

I SAW CAUGHT HIM IN POMEROY'S WINE BAR, AND I GOT THE NOTE HE PAID WITH OFF ONE OF THE GIRLS.

OH, ERSKINE-BROWN, YOU ASTONISH ME!

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE SURPRISED, RUMPOLE.

I MEAN, YOU'VE KNOWN ALBERT FOR A LONG TIME, HAVEN'T YOU?

♪ WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER NOW FOR 40 YEARS ♪ I DARE SAY IT'S DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO BELIEVE.

EXTREMELY.

WELL, WELL.

A PRIVATE EYE TAKING UP THE BAR AS A PROFESSION.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WELL, I MEAN, IN MY DAY IT USED TO BE NASTY LITTLE MEN IN GRUBBY MACKINTOSHES, SNUFFLING OVER THE REGISTERS IN CHEAP HOTELS.

OBSERVING BEDROOMS WITH BINOCULARS IN THE EVER-PRESENT HOPE OF SEEING MALE AND FEMALES' CLOTHING SCATTERED ABOUT THE PLACE.

IT'S THE FIRST I'VE EVER HEARD OF A PRIVATE DICK BEING CALLED TO THE BAR AND BECOMING AN EXPERT IN THE LAW OF CONTRACTS.

ALL RIGHT, RUMPOLE, I'M NOT PARTICULARLY PROUD OF HOW I'VE OBTAINED THIS EVIDENCE.

OH, I THINK YOU DID REMARKABLY WELL.

REMIND ME TO USE YOUR SERVICES WHEN I NEXT WANT A DIVORCE.

FOLLOW WOMEN ABOUT IN CARS, DO YOU?

IT'S OBVIOUS I SHALL HAVE TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE HEAD OF CHAMBERS.

YES, WHY NOT.

OH, THERE IS ONE SMALL THING THAT MUST HAVE ESCAPED YOUR ATTENTION, MY DEAR HOLMES.

REALLY, WHAT'S THAT?

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, I BORROWED FIVE POUNDS FROM PETTY CASH, NO DOUBT IN NOTES DECORATED BY YOU, AND I PAID FOR ALL OF ALBERT'S DRINKS IN POMEROY'S.

RUMPOLE, ARE YOU SURE?

DO YOU WANT TO DRAFT AN AFFIDAVIT FOR ME TO SWEAR TO?

I SUPPOSE... WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

IT WOULDN'T BE VERY SAFE EITHER.

IS THERE SOME BRANCH OF YOUR TASTEFUL CIVIL LAW CALLED DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER?

OF COURSE, YOU'RE THE EXPERT.

I REALLY WOULD ADVISE YOU, ERSKINE-BROWN, AS A LEARNED FRIEND NOT TO GO AROUND CHAMBERS SPREADING THESE WILD ALLEGATIONS ABOUT OUR CHIEF CLERK.

A MAN, OLD DARLING, WHO'S BEEN HERE SINCE YOU WERE IN NAPPIES.

VERY WELL, RUMPOLE.

I'M SORRY I INTERRUPTED YOUR RAPE.

OH, SAY NO MORE.

OH, ERSKINE-BROWN!

YES?

CONVEY MY... COMMISERATIONS TO THE UNFORTUNATE HENRY.

THE POSITION OF SECOND CLERK MUST BE CONTINUALLY FRUSTRATING.

[laughs] "OH, HAST THOU SLAIN THE JABBERWOCK!

"COME TO MY ARMS, THOU BEAMISH BOY."

[laughs heartily] NOT YET, FATHER.

BUT I WILL.

OH, YES, I WILL.

[muted chatter] Rumpole: THE TOMATOES DOING ALL RIGHT, ARE THEY, MR. MYERS?

WELL, I HAD A STAB AT HYDROPONICS, MR. RUMPOLE, BUT NOW I'VE GONE BACK TO GROWING THEM BY RING CULTURE.

OF COURSE I USE A LOT OF ARTIFICIAL, YOU KNOW.

DO YOU?

THEY'RE UP TO THEIR FOURTH TRUSS ALREADY.

FOURTH TRUSS, EH?

LIVELY LITTLE BEGGARS THEN?

OH, YOUR BOY.

ALBERT WAS TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR BOY.

OH, NICK.

OH, HE'S DONE SO WELL IN AMERICA.

WELL, HE'S THE BRAINS OF THE FAMILY.

MORNING, GEORGE.

GOOD MORNING.

YES, THEY'VE OFFERED HIM A LECTURESHIP AT WARWICK UNIVERSITY, SOCIOLOGY.

AND HE'S ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.

MET HER IN AMERICA, BRINGING HER BACK TO LIVE HERE.

WELL, I NEVER HAD FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

NO?

NO.

WELL, ALL THOSE CHILDREN ABOUT THE PLACE.

IT PLAYS MERRY HELL WITH YOUR TOMATOES.

MR. RUMPOLE?

OH, PARDON ME.

YES.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET ME DOWN.

LET YOU DOWN, MRS. ASPEN?

YOU'RE IN NO DANGER OF THE NICK.

I'M IN DANGER OF LOSING EVERYTHING I EVER WORKED FOR.

YES, I UNDERSTAND.

NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S BEEN HARD WORK.

I MADE KEN FIGHT.

I MADE HIM GO FOR THE NOMINATION.

I MADE HIM FIGHT FOR THE SEAT.

WHEN HE GOT IN, HE WANTED TO SIT ON THE BACK BENCHES, SAID HE'D THROW IN IDEAS.

BUT I MADE HIM GO FOR THE P.P.S.

'S JOB, AND HE GOT IT.

HE CAN'T SEE IT'S EITHER HIM OR HER NOW.

KEN CAN'T SEE THAT...

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR COMPROMISES.

SOMETIMES HE MAKES ME SO ANGRY.

ANGRIER THAN THE THOUGHT OF HIM AND MISS EVANS ON THE FLOOR IN THE OFFICE?

NOT THAT.

WHY SHOULD I WORRY ABOUT THAT?

Usher: ASPEN!

SURRENDER TO YOUR BAIL NOW.

[muted chatter] MR. RUMPOLE, COULD-- I'LL DO MY VERY BEST FOR YOU, MRS. ASPEN.

IF YOUR HUSBAND WILL LET ME.

♪ Rumpole: GO TO COURT ON A RAPE.

Bridget: THEN IT BECAME... LIKE STEPPING INTO A REFRIGERATOR WITH THE LIGHT OFF.

ALL THE MEN ARE THINKING OF THEIR DAUGHTERS, ALL THE WOMEN SITTING WITH THEIR KNEES JAMMED TOGETHER.

Judge: ASKING FOR IT?

Bridget: YES, MY LORD.

Rumpole: OH, EXCEPT NUMBER FOUR.

COULD NUMBER FOUR BE SYMPATHETIC?

"OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU RING ME, DEARIE?

"I WOULD HAVE SAVED YOU ALL THIS TROUBLE."

Bridget: NO, CERTAINLY NOT!

Rumpole: OH, DEAR NO.

ANOTHER TORY LADY.

NO FRIEND OF THE HONORABLE MEMBER.

Judge: WHAT THEN?

Rumpole: EVEN THE JUDGE... Bridget: THEN HE BECAME VERY WORRIED.

EVEN OLD SAM PARKIN.

HE'S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF GIVING A CONDITIONAL DISCHARGE FOR MANSLAUGHTER.

OR PUTTING AN OLD LAG ON PROBATION.

WHAT SORT OF THINGS, MISS EVANS?

EVEN OLD SAM LOOKS AS IF HE'S JUST HEARD THE CLERK SAY: "PUT UP JACK THE RIPPER."

Bridget: HE SAID THAT HE'D BEEN OVERWORKING...

WHEN YOU START TO CROSS-EXAMINE IN A RAPE CASE, YOU OPEN THE FLAP OF THE TENT...

THANK YOU, MISS EVANS.

AND YOU'RE OUT IN THE BLIZZARD.

MISS BRIDGET EVANS.

THIS-- THIS INCIDENT INVOLVING MR. ASPEN TOOK PLACE AT... 11:30 ON THE WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I WASN'T WATCHING THE CLOCK.

ALL RIGHT, ABOUT 11:30?

AFTER EVERYONE HAD GONE HOME, YES.

YES, WHEN ALL THE WITNESSES ARE CONVENIENTLY DEPARTED, THERE WAS NO ONE TO ESTABLISH MY CLIENT'S INNOCENCE.

MY LORD-- WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER, WHAT DID YOU DO?

I WENT HOME.

YOU WENT HOME, YOU WENT QUIETLY TO BED, AND NO DOUBT TO SLEEP.

I DIDN'T SLEEP VERY MUCH, ACTUALLY.

A CRIME HAD BEEN COMMITTED.

A SERIOUS AND A TERRIBLE CRIME.

YOU WENT HOME, TUCKED YOURSELF UP IN BED AND WENT TO SLEEP.

AND YOU SAID NOT ONE WORD ABOUT IT TO THE POLICE UNTIL 6:30 PM THE FOLLOWING DAY.

HE'S USING THE OLD ALHAMBRA CINEMA TECHNIQUE.

[paper shuffling] WHEN YOU WERE...

WHEN YOU WENT TO BED, DID YOU GO ALONE?

I DON'T SEE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH IT.

DID YOU GO TO BED ALONE?

I TOLD YOU, I WENT TO BED.

MISS EVANS, I SHALL ASK YOU THE QUESTION AGAIN, AND I SHALL GO ON ASKING IT ALL NIGHT IF NECESSARY IN THE INTEREST OF MY CLIENT.

DID YOU GO TO BED ALONE?

DO I HAVE TO ANSWER THAT SORT OF QUESTION, MY LORD?

YES, YOU DO.

AND MY LORD WILL SO DIRECT.

PERHAPS IF YOU ARE TO ANSWER MR. RUMPOLE'S QUESTION SHORTLY, YOU WOULD BE OUT OF THAT BOX QUITE QUICKLY AND YOUR PAINFUL EXPERIENCE WOULD BE OVER.

Rumpole: OH NO, SAM.

SHE'LL BE THERE FOR A WHILE.

NOT FIVE YEARS PERHAPS, BUT A LITTLE WHILE.

WELL?

YES, I WENT TO BED ALONE.

THANK YOU.

HOW LONG HAD THAT BEEN GOING ON?

HOW LONG HAD WHAT BEEN GOING ON, MR. RUMPOLE?

THAT THE WITNESS HAD TAKEN TO SLEEPING ALONE, MY LORD.

YOU WERE NO LONGER FRIENDLY WITH MR. PAUL ETHERINGTON.

PAUL AND I, WE SPLIT ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

YES, I DO WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH, MISS EVANS.

I'M SURE THE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY WANT TO-- Judge: MR. RUMPOLE.

MY LORD?

IS IT GOING TO HELP US TO KNOW ABOUT THIS YOUNG LADY AND PAUL... PAUL ETHERINGTON, MY LORD.

HE WAS A PARLIAMENTARY AGENT.

YES, I'M ANXIOUS NOT TO KEEP THIS WITNESS ANY LONGER THAN NECESSARY.

I DO UNDERSTAND, MY LORD.

IT MUST BE MOST UNPLEASANT.

BUT NOT AS UNPLEASANT AS FIVE YEARS IN THE NICK.

BUT I DO HAVE MY DUTY TO DO.

AND A COUPLE OF REFRESHERS TO EARN.

[muted chatter] SO, YOU HAD BEEN LIVING WITH MR. ETHERINGTON TWO YEARS BEFORE YOU PARTED?

YES.

AND UH...

SO YOU WERE 18 WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED TO LIVE TOGETHER?

JUST, NEARLY 18.

YES, AND BEFORE THAT?

I WAS AT SCHOOL.

DID YOU HAVE LOVERS BEFORE PAUL?

YES.

WHILE YOU WERE STILL AT SCHOOL?

HOW MANY?

ONE OR TWO.

ONE OR TWO?

OR THREE OR FOUR?

HOW MANY?

OR DIDN'T THEY STAY LONG ENOUGH TO BE COUNTED?

Judge: MR. RUMPOLE.

YES, MY LORD, I'M SORRY.

I APOLOGIZE.

PURE UNNECESSARY COMMENT.

I WITHDRAW IT AT ONCE.

YOUR MR. RUMPOLE'S DOING US PROUD.

OH, HIS OLD HAND HAS LOST NONE OF ITS CUNNING, MYERSY.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU HAD THE ABORTION?

I WAS 19.

IT WAS PERFECTLY LEGAL.

OH YES, I KNOW IT WAS.

I GOT A MEDICAL CERTIFICATE, MY LORD.

AND YOU WERE CERTIFIED UNFIT FOR CHILDBIRTH?

I SUPPOSE SO.

BUT NOT BECAUSE OF ANY PHYSICAL DEFECT.

THERE WAS NOTHING THE MATTER WITH YOU PHYSICALLY.

YOUR CERTIFICATE WAS, IN FACT, ISSUED BY A PSYCHIATRIST, WAS IT NOT?

THAT'S QUITE NORMAL.

IT WAS JUST IMPOSSIBLE FOR PAUL AND I TO HAVE A CHILD.

HE DIDN'T WANT US TO GET MARRIED AND-- AND THE PSYCHIATRIST CERTIFIED YOU "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE."

Rumpole: IT'S A SHOT IN THE BLOODY DARK, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT PSYCHIATRISTS ALWAYS SAY?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT, YES.

SO THE JURY IN THIS CASE HAVE TO RELY ON THE EVIDENCE OF A YOUNG WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN CERTIFIED EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.

AND IS IT YOUR EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY WHICH HAS LED YOU TO INVENT A TISSUE OF LIES ABOUT MY CLIENT!

Judge: WELL... WHAT IS THE ANSWER TO MR. RUMPOLE'S QUESTION?

Bridget: NO, MY LORD.

THREE MONTHS AGO, YOU WERE RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU HAD TAKEN A NUMBER OF SLEEPING TABLETS.

BY ACCIDENT?

NO.

THEN WHY?

I TOLD YOU... UMM, IT WAS...

I TOLD YOU.

I'D JUST PARTED FROM PAUL-- OH, COME, MISS EVANS, JUST THINK YOU PARTED FROM MR. ETHERINGTON A YEAR BEFORE.

IT WAS... [crying] I WAS ALL MIXED UP!

STILL BEING TREATED BY YOUR PSYCHIATRIST?

[whining] YES... FOR YOUR MENTAL STATE?

I SUPPOSE SO.

AND WAS IT THEN THAT YOU MET MR. ASPEN FOR THE FIRST TIME?

JUST ABOUT THAT TIME, YES.

AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM?

NO.

BECAME SO OBSESSED WITH HIM YOU WERE DETERMINED YOU WERE DETERMINED TO PURSUE HIM AT ANY COST TO HIM OR HIS FAMILY.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE HIM.

THAT NIGHT AFTER YOU AND MR. ASPEN HAD MADE LOVE-- MADE LOVE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT?

HE REFUSED TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN.

WE NEVER DISCUSSED HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN!

WHAT DID YOU DISCUSS?

POLITICS?

I TOLD YOU!

THERE WASN'T TIME TO DISCUSS ANYTHING!

YOU WERE IN A RAGE BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO LEAVE HIS FAMILY, THAT YOU INVENTED THIS CHARGE TO RUIN HIM-- I DON'T HATE HIM!

OH REALLY?

YOU WERE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM?

I NEVER HATED HIM.

I TELL YOU, I WAS INDIFFERENT TO HIM.

SO INDIFFERENT TO HIM YOU DID THAT TO HIS FACE?

ON THE WALL.

PERHAPS I... AFTER.

BEFORE.

BECAUSE YOU'D DONE THAT EARLIER IN THE EVENING.

HADN'T YOU?

IN ONE OF YOUR CRAZY FITS OF RAGE AND JEALOUSY.

NO!

NO!

NO!

[sobbing, gasping] Judge: WILL THAT POSTER BE EXHIBIT 24, MR. RUMPOLE?

IF YOUR LORDSHIP PLEASES.

[Miss Evans sobbing] HERE WE ARE AT JOLLY JACK POMEROY'S.

JEAN, SOME CHAMPAGNE.

BOTTLE OF YOUR BEST COOKING CHAMPAGNE.

OH, AND A JUG OF ICE WATER.

I'LL HAVE A COKE.

GOOD, WE'RE CELEBRATING.

A COKE.

HERE WE ARE.

SEATS.

OH, I'VE COME OUT IN A MUCK OF SWEAT.

BLOODY HARD WORK, LIKE DIGGING THE ROADS.

WELL, WE MADE SOME HEADWAY THIS AFTERNOON.

I'LL SAY YOU DID.

ERICA WAS A BIT UPSET.

OH?

IS THAT THE WAY YOU MAKE A LIVING?

A HUMBLE LIVING, WITH THE OCCASIONAL GLASS OF COOKING CHAMPAGNE FROM THE PAYING BRIEFS.

ATTACKING WOMEN?

NOT WOMEN PARTICULARLY.

I ATTACK ANYBODY REGARDLESS OF AGE OR SEX WHO CHOOSES TO ATTACK MY CLIENT.

GOD KNOWS WHICH IS THE CRIMINAL, HIM OR HER.

WELL NOW, DARLING, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE RATHER TRYING TO FIND OUT.

AH, THE CHAMPERS, THANK YOU.

WELL, THAT WENT DOWN FRIGHTFULLY WELL WHEN YOU SAID THIS IS THE DECISION OF A MOST EXPERIENCED JUDGE.

"AH, YES, I SEE IT WAS YOUR LORDSHIP'S."

YES, WELL, I PLAY GOLF WITH THAT JUDGE, HE ALMOST EXPECTS A ROUND OF APPLAUSE AFTER EVERY STROKE.

THERE WE ARE.

CHEERS.

CHEERS.

WHAT WORRIES RICKY IS THAT... WELL, THE GIRL HAS TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT.

I MEAN, ON TOP OF THE RAPE.

ON TOP OF THE RAPE?

YES, IT'S AS IF SHE'S GETTING PUNISHED.

OH, NOW JUST A MINUTE.

AREN'T YOU JUMPING THE GUN?

I MEAN, WHO'S SAYING THERE WAS A RAPE?

WELL, ISN'T SHE?

OH, I SEE.

YOU THINK IT'S ENOUGH THAT SHE SAYS IT?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE ANY-- IT'S A SPECIAL SORT OF CRIME.

IT'S NOT LIKE MURDER OR BANK ROBBERY OR FORGING CHECKS.

THEY'VE GOT TO BE PROVED IN THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.

BECAUSE SOME DOTTY GIRL SAYS YOU RAPED HER YOU TROT OFF TO CHOKEY WITHOUT ASKING ANY EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS?

HOW'S IT GOING, RUMPOLE?

AH, FEATHERSTONE.

YOU KNOW NICK.

OF COURSE.

HELLO.

YOU'VE NOT MET NICK'S INTENDED.

HOW ARE YOU?

RICKY.

ERSKINE-BROWN AND GUTHRIE FEATHERSTONE, MP.

HEAD OF CHAMBERS.

HOW DO YOU DO?

NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M SORRY.

DIDN'T QUITE CATCH YOUR NAME.

ERICA.

OH, YES.

ERICA.

"RICKY."

RICKY AND NICKY.

[laughs] YES, JOLLY GOOD.

[muted chatter] DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S DOTTY?

WHAT?

THE GIRL?

OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS A BORING OLD CASE.

NOW WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

GETTING READY FOR WARWICK?

COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO DISCUSS THIS.

I MEAN, RAPE IS THE GREATEST ACT OF AGGRESSION ANY HUMAN CAN INFLICT.

RICKY, DAD'S JUST DOING HIS JOB.

I'M SORRY WE CAME.

OH, I'M GLAD.

SURE I'M GLAD.

HE'S A FIELD STUDY IN ARCHAIC ATTITUDES.

OH, COME ON, OLD DARLING.

WHAT'S ARCHAIC ABOUT WANTING SOME EQUALITY OF THE SEXES?

EQUALITY?

AH, TOM!

YOU KNOW NICK.

YES, HELLO, NICK.

NICK'S FIANCÉE ERICA.

THIS IS UNCLE TOM AND GEORGE FROBISHER.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW ARE YOU, NICK?

TOASTING THE HAPPY COUPLE, EH, RUMPOLE?

YOU'RE A LUCKY YOUNG FELLA.

DO YOU KNOW I REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO COME DOWN TO THE CHAMBERS IN YOUR SCHOOL-- WHY DON'T WE GO GET A DRINK?

YES.

LET THEM TALK.

YEAH.

YOU'RE INTO EQUALITY?

WELL, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YES.

GIVE YOU EQUAL PAY?

BY ALL MEANS.

LET YOU BE ALL-IN WRESTLERS AND THE LORD CHANCELLOR!

I'LL EVEN MAKE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE AND STOP GIVING YOU MY SEAT ON THE BUS.

BUT INEQUALITY IS YOUR SUGGESTION, OLD DARLING.

YOU'RE SUGGESTING THAT WOMEN WITNESSES SHOULD BE MORE EQUAL THAN ANY OTHER WITNESSES.

HAVING HER PERSONAL AND PRIVATE LIFE DRAGGED OUT OF HER BY SOME GUY IN A WIG-- I'LL CALL IN CHAMBERS TOMORROW, SEE HOW YOU GOT ON.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.

COME ON, ERICA.

NO!

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S A GOOD ARGUMENT.

IT'S NOT A GOOD ARGUMENT.

IT'S A LOUSY ARGUMENT.

SHE PUTS UP A DAMN SIGHT BETTER FIGHT THAN MOST OF THE LEARNED FRIENDS.

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN A GOOD ARGUMENT.

I'M INTERESTED IN EXPOSING THIS KIND OF OUTRAGE AGAINST WOMEN, THAT'S ALL.

ERICA, WHAT SEEMS TO YOU TO BE THE OUTRAGE?

A MAN FORCING HIS MASCULINITY.

AND WHAT ABOUT A WOMAN GETTING REVENGE?

I MEAN, I DON'T SUPPOSE I'LL EVER HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN BEING RAPED AND BEING BANGED UP FOR FIVE YEARS WITH A BAR OF SOAP AND A CHAMBER POT, BUT IF I DO-- YOU'RE BEING DEFENSIVE AGAIN.

OH, AM I?

YOU FIND THE ARGUMENT A LITTLE PAINFUL SO YOU MAKE A JOKE OF IT.

OH, PERHAPS.

IT'S NOT A JOKE FOR MY CLIENT, ERICA.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER CONSIDERED HE MAY BE INNOCENT?

WELL, HE JUST BETTER BE, THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY.

AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO THAT GIRL THIS AFTERNOON, HE JUST BETTER BE.

OH, DEAR.

I'M SORRY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[muted chatter] IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND HE'S USING THIS WINE BAR AS HIS BANK.

WITH OUR MONEY.

MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

THE YOUNGSTERS HAVE PUSHED OFF.

WE CAN FINISH THAT.

RUMPOLE, JACK'S GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.

THIS IS A CHECK MADE OUT TO YOU, MR. RUMPOLE.

FROM SPROUT AND PENNYWEATHER, 550.

YES, THAT WAS FOR A CONFERENCE.

YES, I WAS JUST WONDERING IS THAT YOUR SIGNATURE?

YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL US, RUMPOLE.

IT'S ALBERT'S WRITING.

DID YOU HAVE TO QUESTION HER LIKE THAT?

YES.

DRAGGING OUT HER LIFE FOR THE VULTURES IN THE PRESS.

I WANT YOU TO WIN, MR. ASPEN.

OH, YOU SOUND LIKE MY WIFE.

SHE ALWAYS WANTS ME TO WIN.

I'M SO TIRED.

IT'S PEACEFUL HERE, ISN'T IT?

VERY PEACEFUL.

WELL, IT'S HARDLY THREE ROSETTES IN THE MICHELIN AS FAR AS THE GRUB'S CONCERNED.

[chuckles] TASTELESS STODGE.

REMINDS ME OF NURSERY TEAS.

ALMOST COMFORTING.

LOOK HERE, OLD DARLING, YOU'RE NOT FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE NICK, ARE YOU?

NOW, LOOK, THERE ARE ONLY TWO IMPORTANT POINTS TO REMEMBER.

THE FIRST IS THAT YOU SAW THAT DEFACED POSTER AS SOON AS YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM.

SHE BELIEVED IN ME, YOU KNOW, THAT GIRL.

SHE WORKED DEVOTEDLY.

AS SOON AS YOU CAME IN THE ROOM, NOT AFTER.

NOW REMEMBER.

AND THE SECOND THING IS... YOU BELIEVED SHE WANTED IT.

THAT'S ALL.

YOU BELIEVED THAT.

SHE WORKED DEVOTEDLY.

FOR YEARS AND YEARS.

AND ANNA TOO.

SHE WORKED SO HARD.

SITTING ON COMMITTEES, CHATTING UP MINISTERS.

KEEPING IN WITH THE PRESS.

TRYING TO CONVINCE THE FAITHFUL THAT IT ALL STILL MEANT SOMETHING.

MY WIFE ANNA, YOU KNOW, SHE... SHE WANTED ME IN THE CABINET.

SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MINISTER'S WIFE.

AND WHAT DID YOU WANT?

I WANTED IT TO STOP.

Rumpole: DID YOU NOTICE ANYTHING WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM?

Aspen: NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.

WAS THERE A POSTER ON THE WALL?

DON'T LEAD.

THERE WERE SEVERAL POSTERS, I THINK.

WITH MY FACE ON THEM, YES.

UM, PERHAPS IT WILL HELP YOU IF THE WITNESS SAW EXHIBIT 24.

Rumpole: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, HONORABLE MEMBER?

DOES HE WANT TO GET BACK DOWNSTAIRS TO HIS SPAGHETTI RINGS?

Rumpole: DID YOU SEE THAT DONE WHEN YOU CAME IN THE ROOM?

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

DID MISS EVANS START TALKING ABOUT YOUR WIFE?

ABOUT ANNA, YES.

DID SHE ASK YOU TO LEAVE YOUR WIFE?

Judge: DID SHE?

I...I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY.

COME, MR. ASPEN, IT'S AN IMPORTANT QUESTION.

SHE STARTED GOADING ME.

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING.

ALL THAT CLAP-TRAP ABOUT BETRAYING THE PARTY.

ALL THOSE CLICHÉS ABOUT POWER CORRUPTING.

IT WAS THEN THAT I GOT ANGRY.

JUST-- JUST-- THEN-- JUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED, MR. ASPEN.

I MADE LOVE TO HER.

IN ANGER?

I SUPPOSE SO, YES.

JUST TELL US THIS, MR. ASPEN... DID YOU BELIEVE THAT WAS WHAT SHE WANTED?

Rumpole: HE'S CHUCKED YOU THE LIFE BELT, OLD DARLING.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T PUSH IT AWAY.

I CAN'T REMEMBER...EXACTLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVED THEN.

[muted whispering] OH, WELL, ALBERT.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT IF I MAY SAY SO, SIR.

IT WAS THE CLIENT.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

THESE THINGS ARE A DAMN SIGHT EASIER WITHOUT THE CLIENT.

MR. RUMPOLE, CHAMBERS MEETING, SIR.

CHAMBERS MEETING?

MR. FEATHERSTONE WOULD LIKE YOU TO ATTEND.

WHAT CHAMBERS MEETING?

I'LL COME WITH YOU, SIR.

MR. FEATHERSTONE ASKED ME TO LET YOU HAVE THE MESSAGE, MR. TREE.

THIS IS ONE FOR MEMBERS OF CHAMBERS ONLY.

THANKS, LOVE.

SORRY, ALBERT.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

[spoon clinking] WELL...

SEEMS ALBERT HAS BEEN PURSUING A LONG CAREER OF EMBEZZLEMENT.

THAT'S A REMARKABLY LONG WORD FOR FIVE POUNDS FIFTY.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE CORRECT LEGAL TERM WAS FIDDLING.

WELL, I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN EXCUSE CRIME, WHATEVER RUMPOLE CALLS IT.

ANYWAY, IT WAS MY FIVE POUNDS FIFTY.

I CAN CALL IT WHATEVER I LIKE.

I CAN CALL IT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

I SUPPOSE IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS AGAIN SOON.

HOW DEPRESSING.

APPARENTLY, IT ISN'T JUST YOUR MONEY, RUMPOLE.

OH, ISN'T IT?

IS THERE THE SLIGHTEST EVIDENCE THAT SOMEBODY ELSE-- PETTY CASH.

OH, YOUR FAMOUS DETECTIVE WORK.

YES, SHERLOCK HOLMES PUTTING HIS LITTLE RED MARK ON ONCERS.

IT CAN'T BE CHRISTMAS AGAIN ALREADY SURELY.

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PETTY CASH.

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU'D BORROWED MONEY FROM ALBERT-- THAT'S RIGHT, AND PAID FOR THE DRINKS IN POMEROY'S.

YOU WERE LYING, WEREN'T YOU, RUMPOLE?

ERSKINE-BROWN.

THAT'S NOT THE SORT OF LANGUAGE ONE USES TO ANOTHER MEMBER OF CHAMBERS.

IF RUMPOLE SAYS THAT HE BORROWED THE MONEY, THEN I FOR ONE AM PREPARED TO ACCEPT HIS WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.

OH, MUCH OBLIGED TO YOU, I'M SURE.

WELL, AS A GENTLEMAN, ALL I CAN SAY IS YOU'RE A FOOL.

OF COURSE I WAS LYING.

WHAT DID RUMPOLE SAY HE WS DOING?

LYING, UNCLE TOM.

OH DEAR, HOW INTERESTING.

I WAS LYING BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE SEEING PEOPLE BE CONDEMNED.

JUST A SPLASH, RUMPOLE.

IT GOES AGAINST MY NATURAL INSTINCTS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE DOESN'T PROSECUTE.

YOU DON'T PROSECUTE, DO YOU, RUMPOLE?

NO, I DO NOT PROSECUTE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WE'LL HEAR RUMPOLE'S DEFENSE OF ALBERT.

WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT IT'S NOT ALBERT THAT'S IN TROUBLE.

NOT IN TROUBLE?

NO, IT'S US.

LEGAL GENTLEMEN, LEARNED FRIENDS.

SO FRIENDLY AND SO GENTLEMANLY, WE... WE NEVER ASKED TO SEE HIS BOOKS OR CHECK HIS ACCOUNTS.

OF COURSE HE CHEATS US.

LITTLE PIDDLING BITS OF CHEATING.

FIVE POUNDS FIFTY?

TO BUY A SOLICITOR A FEW DRINKS AT POMEROY'S?

HE CONSIDERS IT A MARK OF RESPECT.

DUE TO A GENT, LIKE CALLING YOU "SIR" WHEN YOU GO TWITTERING ON ABOUT TYPING ERRORS IN YOUR STATEMENTS OF CLAIM.

RATHER AN ODD WAY OF SHOWING HIS RESPECT, WOULDN'T YOU SAY, RUMPOLE?

I SUPPOSE YOU'LL TELL US HE'S GOT A SICK WIFE AND EIGHT STARVING CHILDREN.

RUMPOLE IN MITIGATION.

HIS WIFE'S IN THE BEST OF HEALTH.

OH, AND HIS SON-- THIS MAY INTEREST YOU-- IS VERY HIGH UP IN THE HERCULES BUILDING SOCIETY.

THE HERCULES?

YES.

AND A TORY-- LOOK, I MOVE THAT WE VOTE ON THIS.

IT'S A MATTER FOR THE POLICE.

AH, POLICE...

UH, YOU WOULDN'T AGREE, RUMPOLE, I GATHER?

YOU'D HARDLY EXPECT HIM TO.

EXCUSE ME.

BACK IN A MINUTE.

ALBERT'S PART OF MY LIFE.

HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

I REMEMBER ALBERT WHEN HE FIRST CAME TO US.

HE WAS A BOY.

HE COULD SCARCELY READ OR WRITE.

HE'S LIKE THE WORN LINO IN THE CHAMBERS LOO.

HE'S LIKE THE CELLS UNDER THE BAILEY.

I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ALBERT.

HE'S LIKE AN OLD SPORTS JACKET.

AND HE GOES OUT AND GRUBS FOR BRIEFS, WHICH IS A THING WE ARE TOO GENTLEMANLY TO CONSIDER.

HE HAS CHEATED US, RUMPOLE.

YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THAT.

WE'VE GOT TO BE CHEATED SOMETIMES, HAVEN'T WE?

ISN'T THAT WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT?

WE SPEND OUR LIFE COUNTING OUT CHANGE AND ADDING UP OUR RECEIPTS AND CHUCKING GROWN MEN INTO CHOKEY BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T LIVED UP TO THE HIGHEST IDEALS OF CHAMBERS.

OR THE PARTY OR SOME OTHER BLOODY NONSENSE.

REALLY I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

NEITHER DO I REALLY.

I'M SORRY, I'VE HAD A BLOODY DAY.

I'M SORRY.

FEEL BETTER, UNCLE TOM?

I NEVER EXPECTED CHRISTMAS TO COME AGAIN SO QUICKLY.

PERSONALLY, SPEAKING-- EXCUSE ME-- SPEAKING QUITE PERSONALLY, AND IN NO WAY TO CONDONE THE SERIOUSNESS OF ALBERT'S CONDUCT-- BLOODY TIRING RAPE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ON THE LOSING END.

I WOULD BE AGAINST CALLING THE POLICE.

YES, NOT VERY GENTLEMANLY HAVING OLD BILL IN CHAMBERS STAMPING WITH HIS GREAT FEET ALL OVER OUR PETTY CASH VOUCHERS.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I THINK ALBERT OUGHT TO BE ASKED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

ALL THOSE...

IN FAVOR?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

VOTING NOW, UNCLE TOM.

OH.

RIGHT, THAT'S THAT THEN.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY WHY SENTENCE OF DEATH SHOULD NOT BE PASSED AGAINST YOU?

THEY SAY OLD JUSTICE SNAGGS ASKED A MURDERER THAT ONE.

POOR OLD SOD IN THE DOCK SAID, "BUGGER ALL."

OLD SNAGGS SAID, "DID YOUR COUNSEL SAY SOMETHING?"

"HE SAID, 'BUGGER ALL, MY LORD.'"

"HOW EXTRAORDINARY.

I COULD HAVE SWORN HIS LIPS MOVED."

[laughs] HMM?

[saucer rattling] ALBERT WOULD HAVE LAUGHED AT THAT.

HELLO, JACK.

HELLO, MR. RUMPOLE.

ALBERT NOT WITH YOU THIS EVENING?

NO, NO.

NOT TODAY.

PEGGY?

HEY, PEG.

NO, I DON'T THINK ALBERT WILL BE COMING HERE ANYMORE.

OH?

NOT SIGNED THE PLEDGE, HAS HE?

OH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NICK, WHAT A MARVELOUS SURPRISE.

JACK, SOMETHING TO DRINK, SOME CLARET.

A BOTTLE OF YOUR BEST COOKING CLARET.

WELL, HOW MARVELOUS TO SEE YOU.

WELL, I DROPPED INTO CHAMBERS.

YEAH?

THEY SAID ALBERT WASN'T THERE ANYMORE.

NO, WE'VE GOT A NEW CHIEF CLERK NOW-- HENRY.

OH.

HENRY SAID YOU'D BE HERE.

YES.

HOW MARVELOUS TO SEE YOU.

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE DRINKING ALONE.

WELL, I WANTED TO EXPLAIN-- OH, SORRY ABOUT THE CASE.

AH YES, THE HONORABLE MEMBER GOT FIVE YEARS.

SO REALLY YOU NEEDN'T HAVE ASKED ALL THOSE QUESTIONS?

OH YES, I HAD TO ASK THE QUESTIONS, NICK.

WELL, ARE WE GOING TO SEE YOU ON SUNDAY?

WELL, I WANTED TO TELL YOU FIRST.

WELL, YOU SEE...

I'VE DECIDED TO TAKE THE JOB IN BALTIMORE.

AH.

RICKY WANTS-- I MEAN, WE CAN GET A HOUSE THERE.

YES.

HER FAMILY WOULD MISS HER IF SHE WAS STUCK WITH ME IN ENGLAND.

HER FAMILY?

YES, THEY'RE VERY CLOSE.

OH, I DARE SAY.

APPARENTLY, HER MOTHER HATES THE IDEA OF RICKY BEING IN ENGLAND.

AMONG THE SAVAGE TRIBES, EH?

SHE'S THE SORT OF WOMAN THAT WOULD START SENDING US FOOD PARCELS.

[laughs] I'LL BET.

WELL, NEVER MIND, YOU HAVE TIME FOR A DRINK NOW.

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING BEFORE SUNDAY, ARE YOU?

WE'LL BE OVER FOR LUNCH TO SAY GOODBYE.

GOOD.

AH, THANKS, LOVE.

WELL, IT WAS GOOD OF YOU, NICK, TO DROP INTO CHAMBERS.

WE'LL BE BACK QUITE OFTEN, RICKY AND I.

YOU KNOW, BACK FOR VISITS.

YES, OF COURSE YOU WILL.

WELL... WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU'LL HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL OF IN AMERICA, NICK.

WHAT'S THAT?

THE HYGIENE.

OH, IT CAN BE MOST AWFULLY DANGEROUS.

THE PURITY.

A GRIM DETERMINATION NOT TO ADULTERATE ANYTHING.

WELL, CHEERS.

[clinking] CHEERS.

THERE'S A POSTCARD FROM NICK AND RICKY.

Rumpole: NICK AND WHO?

RICKY.

ERICA.

OH, YES.

ERICA.

NICK WROTE IT ON THE JET.

HMM.

YOU KNOW WHY RICKY WENT HOME, DON'T YOU?

SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHEN SHE CAME TO SEE YOU IN COURT.

[laughs] HOW RIDICULOUS.

SHE TALKED TO ME ON THE TELEPHONE.

SHE DIDN'T MUCH LIKE THE QUESTIONS THAT YOU ASKED IN COURT.

SHE THOUGHT THEY WERE TASTELESS.

DISTASTEFUL.

WHAT?

THAT'S THE WORD-- "DISTASTEFUL."

THEY HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S A PICTURE OF THEIR JET ON THE FRONT OF THIS POSTCARD.

YES!

I SAW IT.

VERY, VERY HANDSOME.

WELL, FAREWELL!

AND IF FOREVER... OH, DON'T BE SO SILLY.

AND FOREVER FARE YOU WELL.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TODAY, RUMPOLE?

OH, I SUPPOSE... GO ON ASKING DISTASTEFUL QUESTIONS.

[door shuts] ♪