ONE WHOSE BRAIN METICULOUSLY DOCUMENTS AND FILES EVERY EMBARRASSING THING I’VE EVER DONE, DOUBLE-UNDERLINING THE MORTIFICATION, WHILE TREATING IMPORTANT DATES, LIKE MY ANNIVERSARY, LIKE A HALF-SCRIBBLED POST-IT NOTE STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF A SHOE.

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

I UNDERSTAND THAT HUMANS NEED SOCIAL BONDS TO SURVIVE, SO ANY TIME WE PUT OUR SOCIAL CONNECTIONS IN JEOPARDY OUR BRAINS BLARE THE AIR HORNS TO MAKE SURE WE NEVER DO THAT AWFUL THING AGAIN.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL MY BRAIN AND BODY, “HEY, YEAH.

LEARNED THAT LESSON.

NO NEED FOR THE TORNADO SIREN OF SHAME, THANK YOU.” ON NPR THE OTHER DAY THEY WERE DISCUSSING BRAIN-COMPUTER INTERFACE TECH; DIRECT CONNECTIONS BETWEEN THE MIND AND A COMPUTER.

AN IDEA: WHAT IF THAT INNER WARNING DIDN’T HAVE TO BE SO SHOUTY?

WHAT IF YOU COULD CURATE YOUR INNER MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL LIFE, CHOOSING HOW IT SOUNDS BY SCROLLING THROUGH VOICES LIKE SCROLLING THROUGH RINGTONES?

WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF OUR INSIDES CURDLING IN EMBARRASSMENT, WE HEARD, OH, I DUNNO, JEFF GOLDBLUM’S ICONIC MURMURS INSTEAD, LETTING US KNOW WE’D COMMITTED A FAUX PAS?

DON’T HUMANS RESPOND BETTER TO POSITIVE STIMULI THAN NEGATIVE?

WOULD THIS RID ME OF MY MENTAL HARD DRIVE OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL MEMORIES?

OR WOULD I JUST COME TO HATE JEFF GOLDBLUM?

I DON’T WANT TO HATE JEFF GOLDBLUM.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS HARD DRIVE, IT IS!